Facts on Feminism
by puRpLebLuSh017
Summary: Uchiha Sasuke has met his doom. Meet Haruno Sakura, one crazy woman who will make Sasuke's heart beat fast. [sasusaku][slightly crack]
1. bEauTiFuL SaKuRa? Nu uH!

**Disclaimer:** -insert standard disclaimer-

**Warnings**: slightly CRACK and vulgar words

* * *

**FACTS ON FEMINISM**

_Written by purpleblush017_

Everyone knows Uchiha Sasuke is a genius.

He is analytical.

He, Uchiha Sasuke himself sought to that. He is the best in their class, highest in their batch and possibly better than the previous ones. He passed exams and logical problems with outstanding marks. Iruka, their teacher even checked his paper with the use of different colored pen, making him _literally_ pass with flying colors.

And when he graduated in the Academy, he maintained his "genius streak". In missions, he would be the first one to solve the mind-bubbling twists and traps and the answers to "why" their enemy laid their plans to kill the person he ought to protect.

Yep, it was final, Uchiha Sasuke is a genius. One in a million, they would often say.

Not until he met Haruno Sakura.

You see, Sasuke based everything on facts. Facts are proof, he said. It was the truth. And he believed on those facts. Because, if it weren't for it, he wouldn't have any of those high praises, successful mission and that unlimited supply of eminent marks. Thus, everything he believed in revolved around these facts. For him, it was the Universal Law.

But when Haruno Sakura entered his life, his belief started molting into pieces right before his very eyes.

And this is how they met.

**Fact no. 01: women are supposed to be **_**beautiful**_**, much less, **_**breath-taking**_

Not ever had Sasuke done this before, and he never imagined he would ever do this in his entire life. But, the Hokage just had to make (threatened) him do it. She explained to him why she chose him over the others. She said he qualifies for the job for he is actually the heartthrob women are dying for. And because of that, he will make a very good judge. He knows what a real woman is. And therefore, his jurisdiction means a lot.

D-rank mission: judge the first screening of women in the Miss Konoha pageant.

Sasuke cursed every dog in alphabetical order. And the girls who came to show off in his presence crumpled in fear.

"Participant number 59." He stated through the microphone. He was in a room where he can interview the participant one-on-one while the others wait in the lobby.

"That's ME! That's ME!"

And the door cracked open. She stood in front of him and smiled. His glare didn't make her uncomfortable.

"Ohayo! My name is Ha-ru-no-Sa-ku-ra!" she happily introduced herself as her long pink hair swayed with her every movement. Her smile, very bright, so bright that it must have blinded his eyes. And then, she started rambling, to which in Sasuke's ears sounded like "Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah."

Uchiha Sasuke raised his eyebrow. Is her hair naturally pink? Must be dyed. He eyed her as he checked her and her movements. There was a frown forming on his face. He closed his eyes for a moment and re-opened them again. There was something eerie about this woman. She was just… too damn happy.

"Blah. Blah. Blah."

Happy. Which is the opposite of him.

He cleared his throat to get her attention but failed. She continued telling her stupid sob story about her life. Not liking being ignored, he glared at her.

"Blah. Blah."

Glare.

"Blah."

Glare.

She stopped, finally noticing the deadly glare he was throwing at her. Sakura's pink eyebrows knitted together. "Why are you _staring_ at me? Is there something on my face?"

"Hn. You can go now, you don't fit in." he stated. Talk about straight-forward and blunt!

"WHAAATT? Dare give me an explanation, mister!" she yelled.

He pointed at her. "You have green eyes, which two thirds of the Konoha women have. You have a large, glowing forehead—"

"HEY!" said forehead glowed in embarrassment.

"—you're nose is too small, you have puffy eyes and your hands looks unproportional. And your hair color is weird."

Sakura glared at him. "How dare you!"

He smirked; it was fun toying with her. "You lack the two things you need to qualify in this pageant, missy."

"Yeah? And what is that?" she asked bitterly, crossing her arms above her chest.

Sasuke went beside her and put his palm face down on the level of his chest. "One, height. You're small. _Too_ small. Your growth hormones must've given up on you."

Her veins started twitching. "You! Who do you think you are to insult my height! Just because you're _taller_ than me doesn't mean you can take down the _smaller_ ones!"

Sasuke looked down on her. "Two, figure. You're not sexy. Your chest is too small and your ass as well." _Which is very pretty by the way._ _Just my taste._ He stated nonchalantly, hiding a blush. Did he just check her out?

Her knuckles were cracking, ready to send the guy beside her a free trip to outer space.

"To put it in short—you're—_ugly_."

_You just don't like to admit the truth._

Ohh. You're going down! "WHAT DID YOU _SAY_!?" she growled.

"You heard me. You don't fit in. Now, scram."

"YOU BASTARD!"

Her fist was supposed to land on his handsome face. But unfortunately, his reflex motion kicked in and he swiftly caught her hand. Trying again, she tried to punch him square in the face with her other hand which was easily caught.

"UGH! Let me go so I can punch you! I'll rip your head off and sell it on e-bay!!" he roared, prying herself free from his grasp. Her skin, so soft, so tender. There was a tingling sensation, down in Sasuke's middle -ehem-. Curse puberty!

"Hn. Go home and drink your milk pinky." he said hoarsely, "Shit. Stop wiggling!" _No, wiggle more! Yeaaaaahhh._ The feel of a woman's skin, her body against him, was driving him insane. And there was something tightening, down there.

"Argh! Stop insulting me!"

Sasuke smirked. "It's not an insult. I'm just stating the truth."

"ROT IN HELL!"

_Damn, her cleavage is showing._

"Go home, shorty."

_Don't look! Don't look! Pretend you don't care._

"EAT SHIT YOU ASSHOLE!"

_Evade! Evade!_

"You have a pretty cute choice of words there, lady."

_Nice boobs... and ass._

"Are YOU mocking me, HUH, chicken haired tall man?"

_Damn, so... soft._

"No. Now be a good girl and go home, _ugly_."

_Yes, lie. Lie._

"ARGH! I'VE HAD IT!" she yelled as she bent down and implanted her tooth on his skin. Sasuke jerked his hand away from her, making her free.

He glared at her. "_Shit_!" he hissed. "Woman!" Distraction.

Sakura stomped her feet and clenched her fists. "MARK MY WORD YOU _'EGO-MANIAC-SELF-CONCEITED-WOMAN-INSULTING-CHICKEN-HAIRED-MAN'!_ THIS WON'T BE THE LAST TIME YOU WILL SEE ME! I _SWEAR_ TO SATAN I WILL MAKE YOU TAKE BACK THOSE INSULTS YOU SAID ABOUT ME! YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO INSULT ME! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE _HUH _PUNK? BULLYING A GIRL? I BET YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE I'M PRETTY—"

Sasuke snorted at this. Maybe, was too busy looking at her heaving chest, up and down. Her blouse seemed to be missing a button or two. _Damn hormones!_ He cursed under his breath.

She stomped again. "ARGH! I HATE YOU! MARK THIS DAY! I WILL BRING YOU DOWN! YOU HEAR ME? I. WILL. BRING. YOU. DOWN! YOU WILL BOW DOWN TO ME ONE DAY! I WILL BE THE ONE PERSON YOU WILL OBEY!"

"Like that'll _ever_ happen." He stated, massaging his aching hand. He was starting to think that she was cute, but she had to go bite his flesh like some sort of dog. _Heh, cute my ass._

"DIE YOU SHITHEAD!" she screamed in frustration, stomping away.

He seemed to be looking at her small ass. And those legs, short yet temptingly smooth to caress.

**BLAG.**

Haruno Sakura gritted her teeth as she walked outside the lobby. _That despicable man! How dare he? How dare he? How dare he make a fun of me? This will be the last time I'm entering a beauty contest EVER! Who cares about the bet with Ino-pig? Argh! I do! But hell, I bet she won't even make it with that chicken-haired lunatic running the screenings. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

"I WILL KILL YOU—!" she stopped. What was his name again?

* * *

As Sasuke Uchiha eyed the red imprint on his hand, courtesy of some crazy woman, he made a clear understanding that there are still—_ugly_ (liar! You were totally checking her out!) women who are barbarians living and breathing in this lifetime. Really, who knew? 

But maybe, this might be the start of something towards... love.

_Really?_

Yes, really.

_No way!_

Ugh. This D-rank mission sucks.

**Fact no. 01: women are supposed to be **_**beautiful**_**, much less, **_**breath-taking**_

Meet Haruno Sakura! A woman who is_ too_ short, _too_ ugly, chest is _too _damn flat, in short—_too_ ugly! YEY!

Sakura blushes and started sulking. "WHY'D YOU HAVE TO RUB IT IN??"

* * *


	2. siLenT TyPe? yOu WiSh

**Disclaimer:** -insert standard disclaimer-

**Warnings**: slightly CRACK and vulgar words

* * *

**FACTS ON FEMINISM**

_Written by purpleblush017_

It was a good two whole weeks before they met again. And Uchiha Sasuke, found another flaw about his knowledge regarding the opposite sex.

Sasuke have interacted with women throughout his life. There would be instances wherein he would be paired up with a girl on a mission, whether it is a dual or a team mission.

He finds the opposite sex…unappealing. For these creatures would shutter in front of him, they would turn as red as red as they can bear. It would be like this: they would call him out and talk to him. It would be very obvious that they have something to tell but it was as if it was stuck on their vocal cords and they helplessly try to pull it out. And they end up not telling him anyway, which technically, they just wasted his time.

So yeah. Women…are _mute _according to Uchiha Sasuke's dictionary.

Except for this one.

**Fact no. 02: Women are supposed to be the silent type**

"YOU!" she screamed, pointing a finger at him.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. Good. All of her buttons seems to be in place.

"OF ALL THE PEOPLE TO PAIR UP WITH, IT HAD TO BE _YOU!?"_

Sasuke glared.

"OH GOD! THIS IS A NIGHTMARE! A LIVING HELL! OH, GOD! OH, GOD! WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUINISH THE _GOOD_ ONES?"

Onyx eyes eyed her suspiciously.

"WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE _THIS_? I'VE BEEN A GOOD GIRL HAVEN'T I? YES! I'VE BEEN A _VERY_, VERY GOOD GIRL! I HAVEN'T EVEN DONE DRUGS!!"

"She's crazy." Sasuke stated coolly, hands pocketed. Remembering the dog-like bite she gave him.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"

"I request a _better _partner."

"ARE YOU INSULTING ME AGAIN?"

"Ignore her, _she's _mentally challenged."

"I'M NOT! _YOU_ ARE!"

"Replace _her_."

"NO! REPLACE _HIM!_"

"The success rate of the mission will be 0.00 percent _with_ that woman!"

"HEY! SAYS WHO!?"

"She's mentally derailed, I mean, just _look_ at her!"

"BASTARD! FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I TOOK MY MEDICATION EARLIER!"

"See? She even talks like _shit_."

"NU-UH! YOU'RE THE ONE TALKING SHIT HERE, MISTER!"

"She even LOOKS like _shit_."

"WHAT DOES _THAT_ HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?"

"She _**bit**_ me! See? I have her _teeth_ imprint on my hand!"

"HAH! YOU _DESERVED _IT!"

"Grrrr. Replace—"

"NO! REPLACE—"

"—HER—"

"—HIM—"

"—**NOW!!**" they said in unison.

The old woman, who only looked like she was around her thirties, sighed. Her blonde hair was curling in irritation. She, Tsunade, who happens to be the Fifth Hokage of Konoha, was having a serious migraine right now. She massaged her temples. Ugh. Talk about major headaches. Now, where the hell did Shizune hid her rum?

"Hokage-sama!" Sasuke called, pulling her out of her reverie.

Tsunade sighed when Sasuke took a step forward. Why does young people tend to be more and more irritating these days? "No, Sasuke, and No, Sakura. I will not replace either of you. Instead, you will do this mission as planned. Here are the details of the mission." She handed them a scroll each.

"Now, both of you will cooperate and do this mission together, _or_ so help me I will cut down all of your Nin privileges! Meaning, NO more missions for the rest of your life—"

Sasuke glared.

"—and NO more shopping discounts."

Sakura gasped.

Sasuke glared harder. "_You_ wouldn't."

"I _would_ and I _could_, Sasuke. After all, I _am_ the Hokage." She smirked as Sasuke's face turned sour.

Sakura pouted. "But…but…but…"

"No buts Sakura." She eyed both of them. "Now, am I making myself clear? HUH?"

Sasuke glared hard at the ceiling. "…Aa." He decided he hated the damnated wooden ceiling. The Hokage office needs re-decorating.

Sakura played with her fingers. "…hai."

* * *

As he closed the door behind him, he shot her a stare. "Meet me at the main gate after an hour. Bring everything you need."

Sakura looked at him. "Are you talking to me?" she asked dumfounded, pointing a finger at herself.

"Che." He pocketed his hands and walked past her.

She placed her hands on the side of her waist. "HEY! I'm talking to you mister!" Sasuke ignored her and continued to walk. She ran after him. But with those _short_ legs, she won't get anywhere.

He smirked. "Main gate. One hour."

"Huh?"

**POOF**

"The HELL! You BASTARD!!" she yelled as she coughed on those white smoke he left behind.

* * *

Tick

Tick

**18:05**

Tick

Tick

**18:33**

Tick

Foot tapping

**19:14**

Vein popping

Tick

**20:47**

Teeth gritting

Tick

"Why that little _midget_—!!"

Tick

There was a scream. "OI!!" she was running, smiling happily, hands waving. Oh god, she looked like a lunatic. A LUNATIC on the loose. And if that didn't please you, she IS a LUNATIC. Who happens to be—

She tripped, facedown, and rolled all the way to Sasuke's feet.

—_clumsy_. Yeah, she's an ugly slash clumsy slash ninja. A ninja who happens to reside in Konoha, much to the village's dismay. Insert Konoha villagers sobbing here.

"You're _late_." He stated, shooting her a deadly glare. When missions are involved, Uchiha Sasuke is absolutely serious. And he will not allow anyone to jeopardize the success of any mission he is in.

She brushed herself up to level with him, unfortunately, she only reached his chest. She had to tilt her head to look at him. "So what if I'm a _few_ minutes late?"

"_T__hree hours_ late, Haruno." His voice cool and obviously angry. What's with her outfit? That short skirt…_great taste_.

She pouted. "I'm a _woman_! Do the math!"

"Whatever." He said, turning. "Let's go."

They were walking. The breeze of the air was deafening her ears. "Ne," she started. "You and I got on the wrong foot last time. Why don't we try again? Hm?"

He continued walking.

She beamed him a smile. "My name is Haruno Sakura! What's yours?"

"…"

"OI!"

"…"

"HEY!"

"Shut up."

She smiled. "Nice to meet you 'Shut up'!"

"You're annoying."

"Aw, thank you, that's _SO_ sweet of you."

"You're _insane_."

"Says who?"

"Says me! Now, shut up!" he roared.

"…"

"…"

"You know, you really did hurt my feelings back there. As well as when you told me I was –_gulp_- ugly…" she trailed off, looking down on the ground, still keeping her pace with his.

"…"

"And what I told you right before I left… I… I was really… just mad at that time." She blushed, ashamed. "I'm sorry if I called you names. You see… my friend, Ino-pig acts that way and since I spend a lot of time with her… I seem to act the same way…" she said, slightly unsure of what she was talking about.

The girl was plainly rambling now. And he didn't like that. He was a good listener, but he didn't want to listen to this kind of stuff. Especially with the way that short skirt waves, giving that good view of her legs. And that tight blouse…

_Nice curves._

"Ino-pig and I are friends and rivals at the same time. You see, we were competing for the title of 'Miss Konoha', you know, the beauty contest you said I didn't fit in? Because you said I was 'too _ugly_'."

"…"

"UGH! I can't believe YOU! You know what? Ino-pig got in that stupid contest! How about me? Look at me! LOOK at me! Because of YOU I'm HERE doing missions after missions! I even end up in one with YOU!—"

He raised an eyebrow. Wasn't she just apologizing earlier? And she's starting it again? Ugh. Just continue walking. Ignore her. _IGNORE HER_. Come on!

_Stop looking at her body! Damn it!_

Maybe, leave her behind! Make a run for it! OR maybe, knock her out and leave her under the bushes for the wild animals to feed on. YEAH! That's a GREAT plan. Too bad, she's a fellow Konoha citizen.

"—and what's worse? I'm stuck with a HOMO—!"

Sasuke's eyes widen in shock. _Say what?_

"—a gay who doesn't like women, nor does he appreciate them! So chauvinistic! Who taunts them and insults them and bullies them! Just because he can't have BOOBIES of his own! UGH! Why does this have to happen to _me_?"

Sasuke stops.

"I should be wearing a _gown_and a _tiara_right now! I shouldn't be out here in the _wild _with some HOMO—"

BOINK

"Hey!" she pouted. " Look where you stop okay? Because YOU stood THERE, you MADE me bump on YOU! Now… my nose hurts…" she touches her nose.

Glaring at her he said, "Do YOU ever SHUT UP?"

Sakura glanced sideways. "NO! My mouth doesn't have an 'OFF' button, now does it?"

He whispered, glaring at her.

"HUH? I didn't hear that…"

"I'm NOT A HOMO!" he roared. Uchiha Sasuke will not allow anyone who will stomp on his pride and gender. No one. Not even this girl.

"Oh…" Sakura snickered. "_Really…_?"

Sasuke glared harder. "YEAH! Really! Now, can you please—"

"If you're not a HOMO, _then_, I assume YOU have a_ girlfriend_? HM?"

"I don't have one."

She smiled. "SEE! I knew it! You're a HOMO!"

Sasuke gritted his teeth. "I am _not_ a homo!"

"Okay." She stopped to think. "Ever had _one_ girlfriend before?"

"No."

"Then that settles it! You're a HOMO!"

"I'm NOT!"

"Yes you ARE!"

"AM NOT!"

"ARE **TOO**!"

"Tch."

"_See_? Pretty boys LIKE you are always HOMOSEXUAL!"

Sasuke was thinking of burning her into ashes. 'Katon' her! 'Katon' her! 'Katon' her! His inner demons chanted.

"It's like a new trend OR something."

"SHUT UP!"

"You see, you have all the signs and symptoms of a homosexual—!"

"WOMAN—!"

"—one, you have the pretty POKER face—"

"—I swear to GOD—"

"—two, you have the ever-so-masculine-hot _body_—"

"—if you _won't_ shut up—"

_Don't give me a reason to do this._

"—and you HATE women! You even insulted me—"

_Don't say another word._

"—I'll…"

"—insulted my race—_hhhmmpp!!"_

…_Kiss you._

Her green orbs widen in shock.

Uchiha Sasuke was kissing her. The warmth on her mouth was too scrumptious. Her blush matched her hair. Her lips, softer than he had imagined. And there was it again, that indescribable feeling. The tingling sensation in between his legs, strong, hard.

_Don't give in._

Sakura's knees shook. He was probably trying to prove that he's not into men. But…_damn_, what a great kisser he is. Sakura unconsciously darted out her tongue and gently, Sasuke sucked it.

_Don't give in!_

Sasuke pushed Sakura on a tree roughly, urgently, drowning in want, in need. He continued the feverish kiss, circling his wet tongue all over her mouth, memorizing every part of it.

But, as things get pretty messed up, there just GOT to be a cherry on top.

Naruto and Kakashi are just going home from a successful mission when they saw something that will haunt them forever. Genius -slash- pretty boy –slash- heartthrob Uchiha Sasuke is kissing SOMEONE! Someone with PINK hair. Really? Pink? As in pink-_pink_? Someone with a small body. Someone who has legs, which were pretty _nice_ ones. I repeat, Sasuke is kissing that pink headed woman!

SASUKE? _KISSING_? A…woman? A real live one!

"Sasuke-teme!?" the blonde man, Uzumaki Naruto said disbelievingly before passing out with a loud thud.

Hatake Kakashi took out his camera and his video cam to record the show. _What a great student you are, a real prodigy! _Hey, is that… holy shit! Sasuke just made a move similar to the world-wide known porn-book 'Icha, Icha, Paradise'!

This just keeps getting better and better!

Oh crap. Why couldn't she have just shut her mouth in the beginning?

**Fact no. 02: Women are supposed to be the silent type**

**Meet Haruno Sakura**! She's a NAGGER. Has a constant _NASTY ENDLESS WORD MACHINE GUN_ mouth!! YEY!

Sakura roars! "WHO THE HELL WROTE THIS? HUH? IS IT _YOU!?_ HUH, PUNK? WAS IT YOU? OR MAYBE, **YOU**? RUN AND HIDE YOU SHITLESS COWARD! RUN AND HIDE! MARK THIS DAY! I. WILL. HUNT. YOU. DOW.!! YOU WONT GET OUT ALIVE! MWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

-silence-

"WHO THE HELL SAID I HAVE A _NASTY ENDLESS WORD MACHINE GUN MOUTH_?? OOOOOOHHHHHH… SOOOOOOOOMEOOOOOONES'S GOING TO PAY! YOU DICKHEADS! I'M GONNA FIND OUT WHO DID THIS!! ARGH!! I CANT TAKE THIS FUCKIN CRAP ANYMORE!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL! I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR SPINE OUT AND PLUCK YOUR EYES OU! THEN I'M GOING TO POKE YOUR ASS A MILLION TIMES! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

-silence-

"DIE YOU SHITHEADS!!

DDDDDDDDDDDDDDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

* * *

Purpleblush:** EDITED. I have a new course for this fan fic. Sorry. I hope you enjoyed reading it.**


	3. inTeLLigEnT? NOT!

**Disclaimer:** -insert standard disclaimer-

**Warnings**: slightly CRACK and vulgar words

* * *

**FACTS ON FEMINISM**

_Written by purpleblush017_

With the wit he had left, Sasuke let go and backed away from Sakura's sweet lips. He slightly bowed, hiding a blush and a muffled curse as he caught sight of her wide sparkling green eyes. Realization had dawned in both of them after the moment of bliss.

They kissed.

So what? Pfft. Big deal. Forget about it. _Forget_. They have to forget.

It doesn't mean anything. A kiss is just a kiss. Forget it. They have to forget. It never happened. There were only a few witnesses—Uzumaki Naruto and Hatake Kakashi. Sasuke grunted. Of all the people, why does it have to be these two?

Plan A: erase their memories. That's too corny, and Sasuke doesn't do corny.

Plan B: Beat them up and threaten them. Ugh, that's too damn defensive.

Plan C: what was plan C again?

"Tch," with a little help of his Sharingan gift and a little hypnotizing here and there, he tried to block out Kakashi, poor thing, Hatake Kakashi possesses Sharingan too. "Whatever." He said monotonously as his sensei's eyes twinkled in amusement giving him a two thumbs up.

He took another step backward and pocketed his hands before walking away from a very stunned Sakura.

Sasuke will have to deal with those two later.

**Fact no. 02: Women are supposed to be intelligent**

"HEY!" Sakura yelled, regaining from the shock. "I said _HEY_!" Sasuke continued to walk, didn't even dare look back.

"OI! Don't leave me!" she said, as her short legs started running those pitter-patter steps.

He stopped. "Uchiha Sasuke."

"Huh?" she blinked.

"That's my name." and he starts walking again.

He didn't know if it was the huge rock on the road or her, but she tumbled down in shock. Was there something he just said? She gets up and brushed herself, checking for injuries. When she found none, she continued to catch up with him. She glared at him. "NO! You're NOT Sasuke!"

He raised an eyebrow.

Taking it as a mock, she screamed in frustration. "I SAID YOU'RE NOT UCHIHA SASUKE!!"

His head was starting to ache. That damn midget has been screaming all day. He chose to let her have her way. "Fine. I'm not. Happy?"

Sakura held the straps of her bag pack and stared at the ground. They walked in silence. And Sasuke mentally cheered. At last, some peace and serenity! Now, he has to think about the mission. He has to focus on it. Plans to formulate in order to save the villagers of Lilac from the evil wrath of the feudal lord. Sasuke started thinking, now, this IS ninja thing. He has to be serious. Where was he? Ah, how to attack the damned feudal lord, right. He—

"I mean, you can't really be Sasuke, right?" She asked. The heavens can kill him now. Was that really serious? Oh well, tranquility was fun while it lasted. "Uchiha Sasuke… you can't be that guy..." her eyebrows were knitted and her hand was trailing her jaw line.

Sasuke grunted. "You shut—"

It was stupid. Really, "Because… Uchiha Sasuke… He's _dead_… right?"

He chocked. "I'm WHAT?!"

Sakura poked him in the arm. "And you can't be a ghost…" she poked him again. "…Because that'll totally be _creepy_!" she pokes him. "I know! You're just a bunshin!" she started pinching him. "Or maybe… You're just some guy who happens to have some sick fascination with the name 'Uchiha Sasuke'!" another poke "YEAH! Let's go with that!"

He stopped. Poking and pinching him was an issue, but what she was saying was downright idiotic. It was an outrage. He grabbed her wrist and intensely glared at her. Sakura winced as she felt his tight grip. "Why the HELL would you say that Uchiha Sasuke is dead?"

Sakura rolled her eyes. She has to admit, he was pretty frightening and his glare was not easing her in any way. "Well, I have another friend. You see, his name is Uzumaki Naruto—" Sasuke hissed upon hearing a familiar name. _That idiot!_ "—he said that when he and this Uchiha Sasuke were on a mission, he didn't make it out alive. Naruto said he was_ sooooo_ weak that he couldn't even throw a kunai right.

"And since Naruto was really good-hearted, he tried to save him—" Sasuke snorted at this "—but… it was really terrible. The man, Naruto often called 'cold-hearted-bastard' died. He said he was so useless that it didn't matter that he died. He was such an ass that nobody loved him anyway, no one came to his funeral as well." There was a tear forming in her eye.

"His body turned to ashes and nobody remembers his memories. He lies deep within the roots of the training ground of Konoha. Naruto even said that he lead a tragic life. Pretty sad, isn't it?"

Sasuke's vein twitched. _Note to self: must. Kill. The. Dobe. _"And why did you believed that crap?"

"Huh?" Sakura blinked.

He silently let go of her and she unconsciously touches her wrist. "You shouldn't believe everything that the dobe tells you."

Sakura's ears perked. "Naruto told me that Sasuke used to call him 'Dobe' or 'usuratonkanchi'! Wow! How'd you know? Are you a telekinetic or something of the like? Because that'll totally be _awesome_!" she smiled.

Sasuke reached under his bag pocket and shoved an Identification Card on her face. There was a small picture of him on it. And it said: UCHIHA SASUKE, Konoha Jounin, age seventeen, Civil Status: Single.

Her eyes widen in shock.

"Che." he put his ID back where he got it.

She was confused. It was written all over his face. "But, but… Naruto told me—"

"A lie." He shot her a glare and started to move again. "Now, Focus. We have a mission to finish."

-

Fourteen times

She tripped fourteen times. And she still talked nonstop. She kept on saying that there must be some sort of misunderstanding. Naruto would never lie to her, she insisted. He was like a brother to her. He would never ever lie TO HER. Not ever. So, it must be this man, who she has a mission with, who is lying to her. After all, he insulted her. So why was she going to trust this guy?

-

Sasuke eyed her suspiciously.

It has been two days. They have been on the village of Lilac for two days already and she tripped one hundred and seventeen times. Could you believe that? But who was counting? Anyway, was she even a ninja? Short legs, pink hair, large forehead, plus he haven't seen her perform any jutsu makes him doubt her. Was this real? Was this some kind of test? Was she a spy? The hell, his head hurts.

"OI!" she screamed her lungs.

_Maybe she IS a spy!_

"OI!" she called again.

_But the Fifth Hokage sought that this woman should be my partner…_

"OI! Listen to ME!"

_That old woman must be retarded or something!_

"HELLOOOOOOO!!"

_Because this is just plainly STUPID!_

"YUHUUUUUUUU!!"

_Ugh, this mission SUCKS!_

"OI! I'm TALKING TO YOU!!"

Sasuke turned around, watching the premises, ignoring her.

"OI! CHICKEN HAIRED WEIRDO!"

Sakura looked up at Sasuke, who was a little farther ahead than she is. They were heading back to Konoha. The mission was done efficiently by Sasuke alone. He had told (bribed) Sakura to stay with some old lady on the inn they were staying for back-up. Sasuke had noted that from the clumsy, tumbling acts she had performed, she could be the flaw in his plans. And he will not let any flaw get in his way.

Their mission: Successful.

"DAMN! Woman! I have a name! _Use_ it!" Sasuke hissed, keeping his eyes on the look out, alarmed for any sort of bandit that may pop out of nowhere.

Sakura started, "_Weeeell_… I don't know if the name is really yours or what… so, I don't feel comfortable calling you 'Sasuke' when I know it's not really your name…"

"Whatever, woman."

She smiled. She started catching up to him. She beamed. "I KNOW! I'm going to give you a name! I'm going to call you _POI-POI_!"

Sasuke lost his balance for a moment upon hearing another stupid thing that came out of her mouth. "Woman! I don't have time for this!" he retorted.

Sakura was halfway there. Only a bit more. She stretched her hand and leapt when—_ooppsss_—she slipped. "POI—"

PLAK

She fell face first. Outraged by his discovery, he yelled at her. "YOU! You're incompetent! You are not qualified to be a ninja! You aren't even _a_ ninja! Can you even perform jutsus? Huh? Missy? Can you—"

She cut him off. "Pfft. OFCOURSE I CAN!!"

"—then," Sasuke raised one fine eyebrow. "perform one now."

She looked sideways, avoiding his gaze. "Well… I—"

"Exactly!"

She slightly blushed, as if ashamed of something.

-

She's a lunatic, a retarded, purely insane, crazy woman.

Because if she isn't, then, Sasuke's head will explode. She has to be the one who is crazy, _not_ him. Look, she's even grinning like a_ total_ idiot. The previous fight has been long forgotten after a few hours. And she has diverted their 'conversation' to a new course.

"Ooohh! The village of Lilac sure is happy to know that the strict and_ damnated_ feudal lord has been overthroned! And that's thanks to you Poi-poi!" she happily chirped as they continue to walk back to Konoha. She has been talking non stop again.

Now, Sasuke didn't like things he didn't understand. And those times only happen once in a blue moon, which happens to be today.

"Why?" he asked, eyeing her.

She stopped on her tracks and looked at him. "Why what?"

"Are you even a ninja?" he asked, with a tone of doubt and sarcasm.

"Of course I AM!" she patted her chest. "And why would you doubt me?" Sasuke raised an eyebrow and looked at her as if it was the simplest question.

"One: You fall face down too many times. Too easily. You tripped one hundred and twenty-nine times according to my last count."

Sakura glared at him. "So what?! Everyone trips!"

Sasuke decided that it must be her short legs which are the cause of her free taste of the ground, "Two: you're too damn noisy. Everyone knows that a ninja knows when to shut up!"

"HEY! I resent THAT! I was born this way so deal with it!" she pouted, still glaring at him.

Sasuke ignored her, as if her glare could penetrate him. Hah, she _wish_. "Three: you don't know any jutsus at all." He stated, pressing a firm connotation on the last words. He just had to open this topic again.

She pointed a finger at him. "I TOO CAN PERFORM JUTSUS! For your information, I have a very good chakra control!" Sasuke snorted. She stomped her feet. "I AM! I'm telling YOU! I am a NINJA!"

"Hn. How old are you?" Now, Sasuke asking the questions, now, that was new.

"Uh… seventeen."

_Same age._

"Who was your Academy teacher?"

"Uh... Iruka-sensei…"

_Same teacher_

Sasuke's lips turned thin as his face turned sour. "I_ am_ from Iruka-sensei's class and I don't remember a Haruno Sakura in, that makes you a fraud!" he glared intensely; he has been doing that this few days. He crossed his arms above his chest.

Sakura panicked. "You_ don't_ understand!"

"Start moving, pinky. We'll reach Konoha next year if you keep stopping along the way." He turned, and started walking.

"You don't understand!" she screamed.

"You can have the milk the villagers of Lilac gave. Tch, I pity your height."

"ARGH! Why can't you just normally converse with me?" she ran towards him, which ended in—

BOINK

—bumping on his back. Tch, Clumsy, clumsy idiot. Sasuke eyed the poor creature sitting on her butt, groaning. "Because you are not _normal_." He stated.

She must've bumped on him too hard because she totally ignored his insult. Wow, they are learning pretty fast aren't they? "I am a NINJA! And Iruka-sensei is my teacher! I'm not lying! I'm telling the damn truth! Why won't you believe me?"

He looked down on her. She was puffing, red in anger. "Because I was in Iruka-sensei's class, idiot. I remember all my classmates, even my age group. And 'Haruno Sakura' doesn't ring any bell."

She got up. "You don't understand! I was home-schooled!"

That was interesting. "Home-schooled?"

She blushed. "Yeah! You see, when I was a kid, I was really, really, _really_ sick and I have to be in bedridden for nine years. I was not allowed outside! I didn't mingle with other people except for my friends, namely Ino-pig and Naruto. They were the only friends I've got." She gave out a small smile. "They constantly visited me and told me stories about the outside world. And when Tsunade—the fifth Hokage came to Konoha last, last month, she cured me! And I'm as good as new!"

_Good as new?_ Is tripping and bumping on him she calls 'as good as new'?

"Whatever, midget." That explained why she doesn't know what and Uchiha Sasuke is or what he looked like.

_P.S. remember to visit that blonde dope and poke his ass_

_-_

Sasuke is a gentleman. He had helped Sakura carry the milk to her apartment before he submit their mission report. But Sasuke, didn't believe the charity he was going to do just because of this woman's stupidity.

"AAaAaaaaaaaaHhHHH!!" she screamed and his eyes widen.

Her house was burning.

Her house was on fire

A very, _very _big fire

She started to panic. "What the hell? Why is this happening to me?! Aaaahhh! MY HOUSE! No! Don't burn away! Don't burn away _housy_! Come back! COME BACK! HOUSY! Oh no, HOUSY! Come baaaaaaaaackkkk! Shooo fire! Shoo! Go away! Shooooooooo!" yeah, Sasuke decided that she was really mentally challenged.

And so, her house turned to ashes.

-

-

_Flashback with Kakashi and Naruto:_

"_Damn, Sasuke-teme kissed a girl! And not any girl! It had to be Sakura-chan! Damn! This is just so wrong!" Naruto ranted as he rubbed his soar head. "Oi, Kakashi-sensei are you listen—? What are you doing with that container of gas?"_

_Kakashi grinned._

"_This is for the Uchihas' six feet under." The silver-haired man splashed the gas all over the place._

_Naruto's eyes widen. "Kakashi-sensei! What the hell! This is Sakura-chan's apartment!"_

"_I know." Snicker. Snicker. "KATON HOUSENKA NO JUTSU!"_

-

-

"WHAAAAAATT??" they said in unison.

Tsunade rubbed her temples. "I said, Sakura will stay at your house Sasuke, until we rebuild her apartment."

"Why can't she just move to a new apartment?" he defends.

Tsunade snickered slightly amused. She just happens to have a knack for playing with the good citizens of Konoha. "Because I don't want to."

Sakura's eyes widen. "You mean, he's really Uchiha Sasuke?" both gave her a weird look. "Seriously? Sasuke is not dead?"

Tsunade sighed. "Yes. Tadaa." She said unenthusiastically. "This is Uchiha Sasuke." Sakura gasped. "Now, Sasuke, this is your new mission. Take it, or take it."

_What the fuck?_

"I'm going to be babysitting THIS crazy woman?"

_Oh hell no!_

And he thought he'll get rid of her that easily. The Gods surely hate Sasuke at that moment. If only Uchiha Sasuke knew.

**Fact no. 03: Women are supposed to be intelligent**

**Meet Haruno Sakura**! She's ignorant and IS really, really STUPID. Sasuke confirmed it himself! Believe him!

Sakura replies! "I'm not STUPID you MANIACS! I'm just a special child! I'm SPECIAL, YOU got THAT? Huh, punk? I'm not ignorant either! I know that babies came from ducks sent by the tooth fairy! The sky is actually green in color and the egg came first before the chicken! Where would the chicken come from where there is no egg? Ha! See? I'm not stupid! BEAT THAT!"

* * *

_Purpleblush:_ **Yes, Sakura's character here is cracked. Making her the clumsy type of girl has its own purpose. Bear with me. smiles Thanks for reading!**

**Thank you for noting my errors!**

**Let me know what you think! REVIEW!**


	4. ThE uLtiMaTe cHeF! The HELL!

**Disclaimer:** -insert standard disclaimer-

**Warnings**: slightly CRACK and vulgar words

* * *

**FACTS ON FEMINISM**

_Written by purpleblush017_

Uchiha Sasuke hated_ a lot_ of things.

He hates the self-proclaimed Hokage _slash_ blonde dope slash _cough_ friend _cough_ ramen-crazed fat man _cough _named Uzumaki Naruto. There's his oh-so great and _VERY_ lazy mentor, Hatake Kakashi who loves to tease him as much as Naruto does. Then there's his older, bigger and stronger brother who went mad and went on a killing spree when he was just a child, tainting him with hatred and vengeance. Ah, sweet, sweet memories. What a fruitful childhood he has.

Oh, he also hates it when things doesn't go according to his plans, And the list goes on and on and on and on.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

And there are gossips.

After seeing something his eyes weren't supposed to see, Uzumaki Naruto just _HAS_ to rub it in. With his incredibly loud mouth and talented imagination, the citizens of Konoha were instantly informed about the kissing episode he saw on the forest just outside the village of Konoha. And with a little help of one orange book lover slash perverted sensei, the news spread like wildfire.

"Sasuke-teme and Sakura-chan are sitting on a tree. K. I. S. S. I. N.G._ First_ comes marriage then comes…" Naruto sang with a broad grin plastered on his face as he walked along the village.

To make matters worst, Konoha citizens were informed that THE proud and ALL mighty Uchiha Sasuke is going to house a pink-haired woman, the same woman who he was seen kissing!

"So, he isn't _GAY_ after all…"

"I wonder if they have already _did_ it…"

"Why don't we take a peek to see for ourselves?"

Snicker. Snicker.

"Sasuke-teme and Sakura-chan are sitting on a tree K. I. S—"

Sasuke sneered. "Tch." His Sharingan was on.

**Fact no. 04: women are supposed to be **_**COOKING**_** good stuff**

"Sakura!" Sasuke's voice echoed all throughout the Uchiha estate. And then there were footsteps.

Tmp

Tmp

Tmp

Sasuke's eyebrows met one another. _The hell._

"Hai! I'm coming!" Sakura shouted, running down the stairs when—

PLACK

—she fell face first. _Not again!_ She slowly sat up straight and rubbed her small nose. _Damn! Curse you, you wicked floor!_

"Talking to yourself again?"

The reflex to look at the one who just spoke kicked in. There he was, one hot guy, standing in front of her. He's single, she's single. The perfect match. Ugh, except from the fact that he's a homo—err, I mean, _womanly challenged_. Yeah. Let's go with that.

Sakura stood up only to reach his broad chest. Curse her height! _Ugh. Why the hell did I stop growing? I have been drinking my milk everyday! Do you hear me? EVERYDAY! What's wrong with my hormones? Have they really given up on me? Why I oughta—_

"Oi!" Sasuke poked her forehead to snap her out from her La La land. "Talking to yourself is taking its toll on you." He topped it off with a cool smirk. "Huh, shorty?"

Sakura's face turned as red as she can handle. Steam came out of her ears. "Shorty? _Shorty?_ SHORTY? Why you _scumbag_! I—"

"Save your amusing language for yourself. I don't want to hear it." Sasuke glared.

"Oh yeah? Then, what the hell do you want?" She crossed her arms and looked at her side. _Ugh, Why do I have to live here with Mr. Oh-I'm-so-hot-so-you-wouldn't-notice-that-I'm-a-homo?_

His eyebrows snapped. "How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not a homo, you _short-legged_ woman?"

Sakura's eyes shot open. _He can read minds?_

"No, I can't."

_The hell. _

Sasuke dangerously glared.

"Stop staring at me _so intently_. I already know I'm _VERY_ beautiful."

"Che."

She stomped, "Okay, fine! Let's get this over with. What do you want?" she gritted her teeth.

There was a pregnant pause.

An awkward silence.

And silence, she couldn't take. "Argh! Spit it out, will you!?"

"Cook." He said.

"Huh?" And yes, she didn't understand.

"You cook." He simply stated, looking at his window.

"What!?"

"Since you're going to live in this house, MY house, you have to cook for me, serve for me and treat me with the utmost respect I deserve."

"_Respect_, my ass." She mumbled.

But Sasuke heard it nonetheless. "You have to follow MY rules in this house. Not yours, but MINE. You touch _NOTHING_ unless I say so. You _don't_ go roaming and loitering around MY mansion for _no_ reason at all. If ever I have a mission, you have to leave the house immediately and return ONLY when it's time for bed."

"WHAT!?" She shuttered. "What's the point of all of this? Isn't this going to be MY house too?"

Sasuke sneered. "No. The Hokage asked me to keep you until your apartment has been rebuilt. But I make the rules around here. I _OWN_ this house. And I will kick you out if I need to. You got that, _pinky_?"

She rolled her eyes. "Che. Yours. _Yours._ YOURS! Always YOURS! You're so selfish! Why don't you try to open up a little? Lighten up! Smile! Ugh! That's a frown! That poker face of yours needs a new feature. _Sheesh._ That's the reason why you don't have a girlfriend!" Sasuke snorted. "With that attitude of yours, I wouldn't even doubt why this house of yours doesn't feel like home!"

He slightly stiffened. "This is _never_ home." A pause, "Stop talking nonsense and start cooking." He turned around smoothly and disappeared on a corner.

"Whaaa? HEY! Ever heard of Fast Food stores!?"

* * *

And so, there was Food. Food which she have created. 

Sasuke stared at the plate, no, he _glared_ at it.

"Uchiha Sasuke! You have to stop glaring at everything you see! It's getting on my nerves! Plus, it's annoying! The glaring must_ stop_." Sakura lectured.

Sasuke raised his eyebrow at her. Doesn't she know that she's annoying? Anyway, he's too distracted to notice her. He's too busy figuring out what was on the plate she was shoving at his face. He has encountered bad chefs and cooks throughout his life, but never had he encountered something as worse as this.

It was green, must be vegetables. It has yellow sprinkles on it, must be garlic, my _God_, is that banana?! Then, the soup was color purple! What ingredient could possibly turn to that color? Is that meat still moving? The hell! It _IS_ moving! And that! What the hell is that, that thing with the swirly stripes?! What the hell is THIS stuff?!?

Sakura snapped, "Are you going to eat it or what?"

"Are you trying to poison me?"

She was taken aback. "How dare you accuse me of such thing!? I cooked for you and this is what I get? You're a _boneless_ homo!"

"That's not even food." He countered.

And Hell came.

Sakura threw the plate, smashing it to the ground. And her wonderful creation was shattered on the floor, along with the sharp broken pieces of the plate. Now, who's going to clean that mess?

"YOU! You heartless _Asshole_! How dare you? What do you really have against me? You keep on insulting me and everything that I do and stand for since the day we met! What is wrong with you!? We both don't like one another but I am doing my best! I try to be on your good side, trying to please you! You're full of bullshit! ROT IN HELL, YOU HOMO-WOMEN-INSULTING-BASTARD! ATLEAST NARUTO EATS WHATEVER I COOK!" and she stomped away, leaving a slightly stunned Uchiha Sasuke.

He watched as her figure disappeared. He stared at the shattered remains of her so-called "food". There was purple, green and yellow all over his floor. And the blasted meat is still _moving_! Damn, Naruto eats this stuff? No wonder he's often seen in the bathroom.

* * *

When Haruno Sakura is pissed off, there's only one thing to do: 

EAT.

And where else should she go? Of course, Ichiraku is the place.

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto greeted in a sing-song manner, waving at her as she approached the ramen stall. She sat on the stool beside him.

"Miso please." She ordered and then plopped her head.

Knowing her for years now, Naruto instantly knew that there was something bothering her. Her knitted eyebrows, the dangerous glare she was giving to whatever she was looking at, and that frown were all positive indications of that. She must be _really_ pissed off.

"Ne, Sakura-chan, how's life living with Sasuke-teme?" he asked, gulping down his fifth bowl of ramen. He noticed someone sat beside her. He stiffened.

"Beef ramen." A guy ordered from the background.

Sakura looked at Naruto and ranted. "He's HORRIBLE! Really! He _insults _me, Naruto! He _doubts_ me! He doesn't even allow me touch anything! And you know that I _love_ to touch STUFF! He's mean! Like a big bad ogre! There were rules that need to be followed. But Naruto! You know I HATE rules! He's like, '_No running inside MY perimeter'_, '_No noise allowed'_, '_No midnight snacks_', '_No roaming and loitering around'_! Ugh! You know I LOVE to loiter around! I'm the princess of Loitering! That suck-up Bastard will pay someday! And I mean, PAY!! One day, HE will bow down to me! He will worship ME! (Insert evil laughter) I will make him do all the worse things man has ever done! That human ice cube will smile his ass off! I swear! I'm going to poke his ASS a million times!! Even if it takes forever, I will MAKE his life a living hell!"

Naruto found no words to say or the courage to speak up.

"He even insulted my COOKING! He asked me to cook for him and I did! And what did he say? '_Are you trying to poison me_?' what the hell is his problem? It doesn't mean that since he doesn't have BOOBS doesn't mean it's the end of the world for him. He should have said 'Thank you'! He should have eaten it! That asshole! The nerve of HIM! How dare he do that to me! _Huh_, He's** not** even HOT! _Bastard_."

There was a glare.

Naruto stiffened more. "Ugh, Sakura-chan, I have to get going now. See you later!" and he dashed off.

Sakura stared at Naruto's seemingly frightened figure run for his life. "What's his problem?" she turned to the counter, "Hey! Where's my Miso ramen?"

"So, I'm _not_ hot, eh?" a cool voice made its way to her ears.

She turned around and, "YOU! What the hell are you doing here?!" There he was, Uchiha Sasuke, sitting right beside her. Her cheeks were suddenly tainted red. _Did he hear all I said?_

"Since someone didn't make an edible lunch, I have to eat here." He stated coolly, hands on his chin.

There he was again, and he's starting it again. "I DID make you an edible lunch, you piece of crap!"

He rolled his eyes. "When the soup is colored purple and the meat is still moving, that's not exactly what you call edible."

"Suit yourself, you just missed the food of a lifetime!" She crossed her arms and entangled her legs.

Sasuke smirked. "All I missed was a trip to the bathroom."

Her orbs rounded. "Take _that_ back! You did not JUST insult me again!"

"Here's one Miso ramen, miss." Ayame, handed her a hot bowl of Miso ramen. "And Beef ramen for Sasuke-kun." There was a flirty tone in her voice. And her smile, it reached her ears. It was pretty obvious that she likes him. More like a fan girl.

"Tch. Shut up and eat." Sasuke ordered as he took his chopsticks.

Sakura snorted. "You are _not _the boss of me! Hmph!"

* * *

As they ate, she realized that the brooding bastard beside her snatched every girl's heart that passed through them. Just by merely sitting on the stool, he managed to get the women flirty with him. But he doesn't do it on purpose. It wasn't his fault that he was born super-duper-hot. 

"Hi Sasuke-kun!" the girls will greet, giggling while Sasuke didn't spare them a single glance.

The attention he was getting was overwhelming, and somehow, when she appeared on the picture, she became instantly involved.

"Is that the woman Sasuke-kun was seen kissing?"

"Duh, she has the pink hair, she's short and small,_ that's_ definitely her."

"_Oh my God!"_ the woman gasped, "She's not even pretty! I know a lot of girls prettier than her!"

Nod. Nod. "How can Sasuke-kun kiss someone like that?"

"That must be one _slutty bi-atch_."

"The rumors must _not_ be true."

"Yeah, I have never seen her before, where did she hide all this time?"

"Maybe some _slut-hole_."

Sakura's ears perked. She was mad. These people don't even know her. Why the hell were they saying all this nasty stuff about her? These people were going to be slaughtered violently, she swore.

"Let's go." Sasuke snapped her out of her murderous intentions.

She raised her brow. "Why the hell am I supposed to go with you?"

He silently (and she hates to admit) graciously stands up. Never knew standing up could be _that_ sexy and hot. "Simple, you live at my house and I can throw you out any time I want."

Grudgingly, she followed suit. "_Bastard_."

He smirked in response. Oh, how she loathed that smirk!

Before she even knew it, they were walking together. He was walking three or four feet in distance than her but he stops at one point for her to catch up. "Keep those legs walking, _midget_."

Isn't that sweet of him? His term of endearment is very…_loving_. What do women see in this guy anyway? Besides from his hotness? Obviously he has no substance!

Sakura sneered, "Coming, _honey_." She spat out in mockery. However, that sounded quite _wrong_ and she mentally slaps herself for her wrong doing.

_Honey sounds nice._

Along the way, more women seemed to glare at her, harder than the previous ones. As if they were burning her, splittingly throwing a million kunais at her. As if she would just drop dead at their will.

As Haruno Sakura is Haruno Sakura, she wouldn't go without a fight. She wouldn't let people trample on her. She would fight, even thought it was plainly ridiculous and full of crap and a load of misunderstanding. So, she glared _really, really, really, super really _hard in return.

"I can't believe Sasuke_-kun_ could kiss someone like her!"

"This is an outrage! That girl is TOO small!"

"She's an embarrassment to the women race!"

"Look at her! She knows no poise!"

"Look at those breasts! It's like a flat screen T.V."

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

Sakura clenched her fist, she was about to shout out loud and criticize every woman who insulted her when Sasuke stopped her. "Don't mind them." He said, and somehow, that's all it took to keep her mouth shut. For a moment that is.

"Ne, Uchiha, do you really think that I'm not pretty?" she asked, slightly blushing. She made those beautiful eyes as she flutter her eyelashes repeatedly.

He took one glance at her before he answered. "You are you. Don't let other people mess with your head."

It wasn't enough. Unsatisfied, she kept going on, "Tell me, I want to hear it from you. Do you think I'm _not _pretty?" there was seriousness on her tone, and he can detect that. "Because it's _okay_._ Really_. I'd just beat the hell out of you!"

Sasuke snorted. _Hah, as if you can._

As if struggling to find the right words to say, he couldn't answer immediately.

"Uchiha!"

He looked at her, "You're…" the right words? What are the right words? He doesn't know. _Mentally-challenged_ doesn't suit her; she was far more than that. "…unique." The sweet coating for the term _weird._

It was enough to make her smile.

It was an exhausting first day living with THE Uchiha Sasuke. But she decided that he might have some issues on his own to act and be that way. And she would try her very best to be patient with him. She will at least try. Besides, she is living in his house.

* * *

"What the hell is this?" she slightly panicked. Uchiha Sasuke is inside the kitchen! Wearing an apron! 

"Breathe a word about this and I will kill you." He looked at her narrowly.

"What the hell is this?" she repeated, not feeling frightened about his threat.

Sasuke snorted. "I'm going to teach you_ HOW_ to cook." She was about to counter-attack his statement when he beat her to it. "Save it, shorty. You _DON'T_ know how to cook. I will be gone doing missions after mission and when that time comes, I wont have time to cook for myself. And that's where you come in."

"So, in short, I'm going to be _your _personal chef?" she questioned, slightly irritated. _Patience, Sakura, be patient._

"It's good to know that you still have your brain intact." He smirked.

_PATIENCE!_ "Ha-ha, very funny, Uchiha."

"Shut up and start learning how to cook."

And guess what? They ended up eating at Ichiraku instead.

"Miso, please!" Sakura happily chirped. "What do you want, Uchiha?"

Looking away, he grudgingly answered, "Beef ramen."

"Cooking is fun, isn't it, Uchiha?" Sakura grinned at him like some sort of mental patient.

"You're _un-_teachable." He simply answered. "You're going to pay for the damages you made."

Sakura pouted. "Lighten up, will you? Your kitchen needs a little re-decorating anyway." she smiled again.

"Che."

If she just knew how to cook.

**Fact no. 04: women are supposed to be **_**COOKING**_** good stuff**

**Meet Haruno Sakura! **She will serve you the most gruesome dish you have ever seen! Try it! You'll receive a free ticket to the bathroom!

"Uchiha! Look! I_ baked_ you a pie! _Come_ and devour this delicious food!"

Sasuke disappears.

"Huh? I swear he was just here a second ago." Sakura looks around. "Ah! Naruto! Look! I baked you some goodies! I know how much you just love to eat this stuff!"

"Ne, Sakura-chan…" Naruto shutters "I have to go—"

She shoves a spoonful of pie inside his mouth. And then…

THUD

"Naruto! Naruto! Speak to me! Oh my God! Naruto's dead!"

Behind the bushes, Sasuke cheers.

-

**

* * *

So far, this is my favorite chapter! YAY!**

**Make me happy!**

**REVIEW!**


	5. maTuRe? nO wAy!

**Disclaimer:** -insert standard disclaimer-

**Warnings**: slightly CRACK and vulgar words

* * *

**FACTS ON FEMINISM**

_Written by purpleblush017_

Konoha village.

Another unusual morning.

Uchiha Sasuke was doing some grocery shopping. Well, if he wanted to live longer, he'll have to eat. Since the food his _house-mate_ prepared was un-edible for his stomach, he'll have to feed himself. It's not his time to die yet. He still has to kill his nut-cased excuse for a brother. Anyhow, Grocery shopping is still grocery shopping.

And men don't do that.

Uchiha Sasuke doesn't do that. And yet, the instinct to live kicks in, _hard_. Especially with that pink-haired woman around. He can't eat what Haruno Sakura cooked. He can't and _will not_ eat poison. Thus, he's doing some grocery shopping.

And that's something you don't see everyday.

"Sasuke-teme!" a grinning orange-wearing _fat_ Naruto appeared from nowhere, stretching his hands, preparing himself to glomp, hug or maybe snuggle Konoha's heart throb—Uchiha Sasuke.

Sasuke's eyebrows twitched as soon as he saw the sight. There were red flying hearts all over the blonde idiot. Not a good sign. _Not a good sign_! He's hanging out with Lee and Gai-sensei too much. With the use of his Sharingan, he easily took one step to evade Naruto's public indecency. And the fox-vessel hugged the cold cemented floor. Sasuke smirked. He has to remember to thank the Gods for blessing him with the Sharingan.

Sasuke looked down at him in disgust, "Pathetic."

Naruto groaned as he sat up, rubbing his face, "_Geez_, couldn't you at least try to do something else than be an asshole?"

"Hn."

Naruto stood up, grinning again like a crazy fool. No pain, no gain. "Training's cancelled, Teme. Kakashi-sensei said he's getting laid today so he can't make it. He said something about _foursome_."

Sasuke's cheeks were tainted pink. "That useless sensei." _Damn, he's so lucky. Getting laid and all that stuff_—

"_Eeeew_! Teme! Get those dirty thoughts out of your system!"

Onyx eyes slightly shrank, his face becoming redder. _Holy shit! I wonder how big—_

"_Don't_ go there!_ Don't_ think of those kinds of things! Cause it might manifest on _my_ Sakura-chan!"

_Why would I hit on her?_

"Because Sakura-chan's living with you! You might snap and do it with her because I know you're secretly subscribed at Ero-sennin's books—a_ll of it_!"

_The hell! How did he know that!? Wait—he can read my mind?_

"Duh, no."

It is an unusual day indeed.

* * *

**Fact no. 05: women are supposed to be **_**mature**_

* * *

The door bell rang.

Ding Dong!

Ding, Ding, Ding Dong!

Ding, Ding, DING—

"Oi! Stop shoving the damn button, Naruto!" a high-pitched voice lectured. "Sasuke-kun doesn't like his house being tainted with 'Naruto-germs'!"

There was an unusual retort and a stomp of feet. "That Sasuke-bastard won't die because of germs alone, Ino! Besides, bastards die hard, you know. They tend to live for a long, long, long blasted life! I tried a couple of times, so you have to believe me!"

"Whatever, moron."

Grunt. Grunt.

_What the hell was that noise? Who dare disturb his beauty rest? Awakening from a beautiful slumber might clog up his pores._ Oh, how dreadful.

DING, DING, DING DONG!

"Naruto! STOP that!"

"I can't! Do you want to break in to get inside?"

"Ugh, if Sasuke-kun appears, he'll—"

Crack.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Sasuke hissed. His raven hair all messed up and his eyes darker and deadlier than his usual killer eyes. His upper torso was naked—which caused Ino to squeak with joy—and he was only wearing boxers—which caused Ino to faint from the heavenly sight.

Naruto and Sasuke looked over Ino's body on the ground. Naruto shrugged. "Just leave her there. What good will it do if we have Ino around?" this caused Sasuke smirk for a second before strangling Naruto.

"You stupid dope! Life without you will do well for me!" Sasuke's grip tightened around Naruto's neck before—

"AH!! Uchiha! Let GO of Naruto!" Haruno Sakura appeared in front of them, holding a bag of groceries. "Ugh! LET GO OF HIM! Uchiha!" Sasuke won't budge; Naruto was starting to look blue and purplish. "I swear, Uchiha Sasuke, if you don't let Naruto go, I SWEAR! I'll COOK breakfast, lunch and dinner for the REST OF YOUR FREAKIN' LIFE!"

Sasuke cringed.

"And if I have to shove it down your throat every single day, I _WILL_!"

Yes, baby, fear her cooking!

Naruto felt his lungs work properly as soon as Sasuke's grip on his neck loosened. Wow, what a cool threat! Who would have thought that the great, high and mighty Uchiha Sasuke would be afraid of EATING Haruno Sakura's dish? Really, who knew? Naruto snickered. He wondered if he could ask Sakura-chan to allow him to use that threat on Sasuke-bastard.

Naruto have to remember today's lesson: never mess with a cranky Uchiha Sasuke.

Sakura shot Sasuke another suspicious glare after seeing Ino on the floor with a seemingly happy smile. Sasuke cursed as he went back inside his manor. Sakura looked at Naruto. "You're lucky I came! What did you do to him that made him want to strangle you to death?"

The blonde fox demon shivered. "I didn't do anything, I promise Sakura-chan! You know teme, he's grouchy all the time." He supported Ino's left side while the other lay on Sakura's support. He heard her sigh.

"Just, don't do that again. Sasuke scared me back there." She uttered as they entered the Uchiha mansion. They lay Ino's body on the dark blue couch on the living room together with Naruto while she gathered her grocery and rushed to the kitchen. _Sasuke looked like he's really going to kill him!_

She went through her grocery bag—which consists of canned goods and instant food—and put them neatly on the refrigerator. After closing the refrigerator's door, Sasuke appeared in front of her. He must have cooled himself down judging by his body draped with water. He smelled so good.

He looked at her with utmost hatred. "What are they doing here?" he spat out.

Sakura fidgeted, obviously intimidated by his presence. His scowl was deeper than his regular scowl. She wondered if something's happened with him. Maybe, just maybe, she can help him out. "Uchiha, are you feeling—"

"What are they doing here?" he repeated.

Too much for helping him out, Sakura decided that since he's being a jerk, why not be a jerk towards him herself? "They're here because I asked them too. Why? You got a problem with that?" she raised a pink brow at him.

"I do have a problem with that, pink midget. This is MY house. You can't just go running around inviting people inside MY house." He stated as-a-matter-of-a-fact. His knitted eyebrows and his deep scowl proved how serious he was.

Sakura smiled. "I'll cook dinner if you'll send them away."

Sasuke was about to say something really nasty at her but he stopped and didn't put through with it. He cursed under his breath and went upstairs to his room to change his clothes. Sakura wasn't that thrilled at the new found power she has over the said Uchiha but was rather distraught as to why he was acting that way.

As she went back to the living room to check on Ino, she saw her sitting erectly looking very pleased with herself. "I just saw heaven." She keeps on muttering and smiling. "Is he dressed yet?" Ino asked.

"I'm afraid so." Sakura answered as he took a seat across them. "Honestly, Ino, what do you see in him? He's just the biggest jerk who ever walked in this planet!"

"I agree!" Naruto injected.

Ino slapped Naruto's back hard that he chocked. "What do you know about greatness and handsomeness, huh, you moron?"

Sakura smiled, regaining her cheerfulness. "What do you want for dinner? Chinese? Sushi? Rice perhaps? I'll cook!"

Naruto and Ino looked at her, horrified. "NO!" they said instantly in unison. "Thanks though Sakura."

The pink-headed kunoichi eyed them. "We'll order take-out, then."

"Really, Sakura-forehead. No thanks. Remember last time? I puked all over your house." Ino cringed at the memory.

"Me too, Sakura-chan. If we're doing this, I'll have to make a room for ramen to drown the thoughts away." Naruto second-motioned.

Sakura scowled.

"Psst!" Ino called her attention. "Can Sasuke-kun come and join us?" she blushed. "You know, just to have fun." Sakura decided that Ino was on her way to becoming an obsess fan girl. "Pretty, pretty, pretty please?" Ino pouted.

"Fine." Sakura stood up and headed towards Sasuke's room.

After fifteen minutes of threatening Sasuke with her "cooked foods" and reasonable explanations like: "Naruto's going to destroy your living room if you don't keep an eye on him." Sasuke finally agreed to join the three of them in the living room.

Naruto and Ino sat on the blue couch while Sakura and Sasuke sat on a chair beside one another. There was a table in the middle. The lights were turned off and the only light they had was the candle on the table. Sasuke grunted. What were they doing? Playing?

"Oh, Sasuke-kun," Ino called his attention. "We do this ghost story telling every month when we have the time. It's just for fun. We like to scare each other. We've been doing this for a year now."

"This is rubbish." Sasuke grunted.

Naruto cooed. "Is Sasuke-teme scared? Ha-ha, I bet you'll wet your pants, teme!"

Sasuke snorted. "You wish."

Sakura's story was not that scary though. As a matter a fact, it was pretty obvious who the raven haired monster in her story is. The monster eats kids for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It also likes to eat blonde and pink-headed humans. It sucks their chakra through its red eyes. While his chicken-hair styled hair transforms to vines and sometimes snakes that strangles people on the neck. The monster also has a knack for shouting and demanding his subordinates.

Naruto giggled and kept looking at Sasuke all the time during Sakura's story. Ino was practically pinching herself to stay awake. And Sasuke could just curse and murmur bad words all throughout the story.

In Naruto's story, he entailed: "There was a white-haired man whose face only showed one eye. Many legends have said that behind his mask, there lay the most dreadful thing in the world!" he paused for a dramatic effect. "People say that he has fish plump lips, a long crooked nose with a huge brown mole on the tip of it and a dreadful fake wooden eye. His neck was also bloated and prune. It even moves as if there is something living inside of it—"

Sasuke snorted. _White haired man whose face only shows one eye, my ass. It's definitely Kakashi-sensei. That moron. He has no originality. Making boring stories like that. Pfft. _

"—people fear of him for they believe that he eats a person bit by bit, making them suffer and—"

"This is nonsense." Sasuke stated. "You are a bunch of bad horror story tellers." His hand was supporting his head.

Kraaaaaaakkk

There was lightning. And there, Sakura saw as the lightning striked—there was a man with white hair and a mask which only shows one eye—looking over the window.

Sakura screamed and pointed at the window.

Kraaaaaakkkk

Lightning strike again. Ino stifled a scream while Naruto and Sasuke stood up in a fighting stance holding out a kunai.

"Who's there? Show yourself!" Naruto shouted.

Sasuke prepared himself for an attack but then the window glass broke into pieces. And the man tumbled on the ground. Sakura turned the lights on. The two of them went over the man while Ino and Sakura hold each others hand.

Naruto's eyes squinted. "Kakashi-sensei?" he uttered as if in doubt. After a moment he repeated: "Kakashi-sensei!" he was sure.

Hatake Kakashi gathered himself up and greeted them. "Yo!"

Sasuke snapped. "Don't 'Yo!' us you old freak! What are you doing here breaking my window and trespassing?"

Kakashi giggled. "I'm just _soooo_ happy. I came here to tell you how my day went."

Naruto panicked. "Oh no! You're not going to tell us about your sex life again are you?"

Sasuke blushed. _Darn it! I'm so jealous._

"Ding! We've got a winner!" Kakashi animatedly said.

"But Kakashi-sensei! We're with Sakura-chan and Ino. You can't possibly tell us that NOW and HERE." _And not forever! My innocence! My virgin ears!_

Kakashi patted Naruto on the head. "Such an eager student you are Naruto. Come, I shall tell you what happened with the lovely flowers and the mighty bee." He grabbed Sasuke too.

"The hell you're not!—" Sasuke retaliated.

POOF!

The three of them were gone and was replaced with loads of white clouds.

"What the hell was that all about?" Sakura screamed furiously. She looked at Ino, "What are we going to do now?"

Ino thought for a second before answering her. "Well, since I came here to hear and tell a horror story, I'll tell you my story…"

"Okay…" Sakura doubted at first, Ino's story is rather more scaring than hers and Naruto's combined. They sat again and Ino begun to tell her story.

"It happened in the abandoned house in the C-17 area—"

Sakura gasped. "But that's only three blocks away from here!"

"Yeah. So, as I was saying. It's abandoned because there was a tragic death that happened there. The family who lived there before it was abandoned was the Kirisakis. Mr. and Mrs. Kirisaki have one child, Koichi who at that time was only four. Mrs Kirisaki was known to be a very jealous man and he kept a close eye on his wife. He never wanted to be left alone to raise a child on his own.

"But Mrs. Kirisaki is a very beautiful woman. Despite her love for her husband, she couldn't take all the annoying pressure from him. After two months, there was a rumor that went around town, saying that Mrs. Kirisaki was having an affair with one of the Jounin teacher in her son's school. Of course, it wasn't true. But his husband didn't believe her at all.

"At the dead of the night, Mr. Kirisaki well, he poisoned her dinner and just to make sure, he put a sleeping powder on it too so it looked like she was just sleeping. Nobody heard anything. It was the perfect crime. Even after disposing of her body, their son didn't seem to notice her mother missing. So, one day, he asked his son, 'Is there anything you want to ask me, son?' the boy hesitated first but he asked his father nonetheless.

"Mr Kirisaki was expecting a question regarding the disappearance of his mother, but his son asked him: 'Tou-san, how come mom is always at your back?'"

Sakura screamed with the top of her lungs at sheer horror.

* * *

When Sasuke arrived from a very disgusting slash arousing lesson (who knew that white-haired man could tell great stories in perfect detail?) about the "bee" and the "flowers" with his perverted sensei, he didn't expect Sakura to be waiting for him at the front porch especially it was already late. He raised his brow at her as he entered the house.

She followed him and tried to laugh but not even a crack of smile came out. She followed him up to his front door. Sasuke stopped and looked at her suspiciously. "Do you expect me to tuck you in bed myself?" he spat out, obviously he was dead tired (and dangerously still aroused).

She looked down. "Err, no."

Sasuke ran his hand through his soft hair. "Then, what do you want with me?"

Sakura's head snapped back up to look into his tired eyes. "Err…"

"What!?" he grew impatient.

She cleared her throat and tried to explain herself. And failed. She stared at her feet. "Want to get some ice cream?"

* * *

Sasuke's cheeks were tainted red. He was unconsciously staring at Sakura's mouth, slowly licking and lapping the lucky ice cream. Kakashi's lecture echoed inside his head all over again. _The heavenly pleasure a mouth can give you! Oh, the experience of heaven— _"NO!" he yelled.

"What 'no'?" she looked so baffled. She gazed at his melting, nearly-wasted ice cream on his hand. "You should eat that! Eat some sugar to tone down your bastard-mode!"

"Shut up!" He looked the other way. Oblivious to his companion, he's completely contemplating an important matter.

* * *

"Can I sleep here?"

_Oh, yes! More! More! More!_ Sasuke shook his head. Definitely a big NO. He is a man after all, packed with wild kick-ass hormones.

"Oh, okay." She turned around. "Well, I can always tell Tsunade-sama slash the Godaime of this precious village that one of her precious ninjas refused to help a fellow citizen. And you do know that's against our code of honor. She could reprimand you. Or even suspend you. And you know that'll be annoy—"

Sasuke cursed. "Tch. You sleep on the floor."

"Fat chance."

Sasuke rubbed his sore head. A little beating here and there, and his dignity was now deduced to something as lowly as the cold hard cement. For he was going to be sleeping on it tonight. Heaving a sigh, Sasuke allowed the annoying banshee to get the upper hand. He saw her climb up to _his_ king-sized bed and tucked herself in the comfy and warm sheets. Sasuke took a pillow and sprawled a thin blanket on the floor.

Sakura looked at him. "Can you sleep here?" she tapped the space beside her. "It's comfy."

Kakashi's story rung again in his head, torturing him. He blushed. Not that she can see it, the lights were turned off. "No." he said firmly.

She pouted and looked at him straight in the eye. "Why not?"

"You're dangerous." Can't she sense the sexual tension in the air?

"I know you haven't slept beside a woman before. That's understandable for a homo like you—"

Why do they always end up in that topic?

"—but even so, I don't think I'll ever want to _ride_ you if that's what you're trying to say. No matter how pretty you are. I promise!" she raised her right hand.

Grunting, he grabbed his pillow and tucked himself on the bed beside her. Obviously, the midget had to know that he was all-male. Even if it spelled danger. "There, happy?" his back was faced her.

"No." she moved closer. "Ino told a very scary story and I couldn't sleep alone. Mocking me doesn't make me feel any less better, Uchiha."

Sasuke snorted. What kind of a scary story would that be? Another monster that resembled one of the jounins around the village? Hah, pathetic girl. Even Naruto's story scared her and it did not even passed off as scary.

"Will you hold my hand?"

His eyes snap open. Did he hear that right? "What?"

"Or, could you hug me perhaps? Or se—"

She felt her hand intertwined with another. His hand was bid and calloused, and she might have felt some scars too. It seemed that no ninja is exempted from pain and scar. There was something odd in his hand besides all of those mentioned. His hand was extremely cold. Not that certain cold-cold like a snow. It was something more than that. A certain coldness that pierces through you. Sadness that lies deep within.

She smiled. Because Sasuke is human too. No matter how cranky or bastardly he might act, there was a need inside him. And she felt it. Strong and vivid. "Uchiha,"

He grunted. "What do you want now?" he sounded so exhausted though it was because of his difficulty for breathing.

"Nothing." She tried to look at his face but the night's lack of moonlight did not allow her to see it properly. She could only see lines and dark colors. He blended with the shadow so well. Too well. "Thank you." She whispered moments later before closing her eyes and entering into a deep slumber. Leaving a very tense and wide awake Uchiha Sasuke.

* * *

He couldn't sleep. One fact was that Kakashi's lecture about you-know-what. Another was the unknown warmness he felt in their connected hands. There was something there. Warmness that enveloped his hand was overwhelming. Something he knew he shouldn't feel. No. he shouldn't when he tried to pry her hand away from his, it was stuck like super glue.

He was lying beside a woman. And not just any other woman. The woman who dared threat him to do stuff and bosses him around. And nobody dared to boss Uchiha Sasuke. (well, except the blonde idiot, but he didn't count)

He looked over at their intertwined hands. Without thinking, he lightly tightened his hold on her as if needing more affection.

As Sakura shifted her position, her other arm draped over his chest while his left leg hung to his. Her head nested on his chest. Sakura was hugging him. And the odd thing was—Uchiha Sasuke seems to be enjoying himself. For the first time in years, Sasuke felt warm and safe.

And hard-on.

* * *

**Fact no. 05: women are supposed to be **_**mature**_

**Meet Haruno Sakura! **She's one hell of a childish girl! She won't stop until you've done what she wants you to do! Ask Sasuke! He's the proof!

Tok. Tok.

Kakashi appeared leaning on Sasuke's window, waving at him. Sasuke pretends to be asleep but this doesn't fool his perverted sensei.

He opens the window to tell him: "Great work Sasuke! And now, remember what I've told you earlier! When you're in that—oohh! Very good choice of position Sasuke! As expected from a genius like you!—yeah, when you're in that perfect position you'll only need to—"

Sasuke throws a lampshade at his sensei. "DIE! YOU PSYCHO FREAK!"

* * *

_Tenses are my worst enemy. I'll change that later. Anyhow, I got a little perverted with this one when I re-wrote it. Tehee. Sowee!_


End file.
